Redemption
by Inflamed
Summary: The second part to Thrill Seeker. See how Johnny copes with the loss of Victoria as he comes to terms with his guilt and remorse. Will his friends be there to save him?
1. Chapter 1

TS11

Redemption

_**"The horror of that moment," the King went on, "I shall never, never forget." **_

_**"You will though," the Queen said, "if you don't make a memorandum of it." **_

_**-**_**Alice through the Looking Glass.**

Johnny opened his eyes and saw a familiar ceiling, Rampart. He heard hushed voices in the background. When he closed his eyes he saw the horrible scene with Victoria all again. His stomach churned and he coughed as the bile rose to his throat. An emesis bowl was thrust at him as he emptied the contents of his torn stomach. The cold metal was a reminder of where he was.

"Must be the heat," Johnny whispered. He closed his eyes, hoping to watch the image of the warehouse disappear and wishing it was all a bad nightmare. But it was burned in his brain for all eternity, a testament to him and everything he thought or could be.

"Sure, Johnny, sure," he felt a cool cloth wipe his face and detected a hint of sadness in the head nurse's voice. Dixie looked down on her still pale charge; she noted the dark circles and the looseness of his bunkers. How had she missed it?

"Thanks for everything Dixie," John slightly grinned, knowing she was only doing her job. "I mean it." Those blue eyes penetrated him, betraying his failure and a constant reminder of remorse and guilt.

"That's all right Johnny. I'll let Brackett know you're awake."

She turned; the squeak of her shoes and then silence enveloped him. Not comforting but suffocating, sucking the little air he had out of his lungs.

He stared at the ceiling for answers, answers he knew already and pushed them down. Wiping his face he realized he was in his bunkers and his t-shirt. Gage had no recollection of passing out or even getting to the ER. Roy's voice penetrated his fogged filled brain and then there was nothing but blackness, darkness encompassing him.

He remembered nothing. Johnny balled his hands into fists. Victoria wasn't nothing, neither was Bruno and he had killed them both with his foolishness. He knew how Victoria was and it was all his fault. He was supposed to save lives, not end them. Closing his eyes again, he shrived and wrapped his non IV'd arm around his waist.

#######

Dixie walked into the doctor's lounge to find a subdued DeSoto and Brackett.

"And he just took off his gear?" Brackett shook his head, his eyebrows bunched and he frowned.

"Yeah, yeah he did," Roy looked into his coffee cup. "I mean what would you do?" The sandy haired paramedic questioned. "I mean…I…is he going to be all right?" He feared for his friend and his sanity.

"Kell," Dixie walked to the table. "Johnny's awake now and oriented."

"Okay," Brackett stood up and waited.

"You go ahead, I'll wait here. Besides I have to call Cap and let him know what's going on." Roy grimaced. He watched as the doctor and nurse left. Biting his lower lip he wondered how his partner was. Granted he wanted Victoria out of Johnny's life, but not this way, not dead and his friend traumatized.

#######

"Hey Doc," Johnny opened his eyes to the head of the ER. The room seemed especially cold, or maybe it was his heart.

"How you doing Johnny?" Brackett took a look at his IV. Then glanced at his chart. Brackett's jaws were clenched; he had been in this business a long time, but he had never seen anything like this.

"Cold and my head hurts," Johnny's voice was barely above a whisper. "Can't believe I went down like that."

"I think it's understandable John," Brackett looked at him. There was sadness his eyes.

Dixie rattled off his vitals. She tried to stay professional. DeSoto had been beside himself telling the gruesome details and Gage's reaction.

"Well I think you should go through one more IV and then we'll see about releasing you," Kell crossed his arms. "How does that sound?"

"Good, real good," Johnny didn't want to think of the hours of staring at his four walls and thinking of Victoria. Dear, sweet Victoria. He could feel the tears welling up and he bit the inside of his cheek. Damn it, he had killed her.

"Okay, Dixie get him another IV and I'll go tell Roy. Looks like you're off the clock anyway," Brackett shuffled out.

Gage closed his eyes and then felt a nice warm blanket.

"Thanks Dixie, really appreciate this," then he could hear her changing out IV's.

"You just take it easy tiger. I'll get Roy." Dixie left him alone.

_Roy! Why would Roy ever work with me again! Doesn't he know what I've done? I'm supposed to save lives not take them._

Roy opened the door slowly, looking at the steady rise and fall of his partner's chest. He had called Cap and the rest of the shift. He had no doubt the whole department would know what happened to Gage by his next shift. Feeling uncomfortable he stuck his hands in his pockets.

"Hey Johnny," DeSoto walked over to his supposedly sleeping friend.

"Hey Roy," Johnny coughed. "Sorry about everything. I mean, thanks for saving me again. I just don't know what got into me."

"Oh I can imagine," Roy took his hands out of his pockets and crossed them against his chest. "Doc says you can go home."

"Yeah, home," Johnny grimaced, opened and closed his eyes. "Just damn tired, you know. Guess I'll be taking a shift off, huh?"

Roy nodded, "um yeah…considering."

Johnny nodded still smelling Victoria's perfume.

"You going to be okay?" Roy asked maybe knowing Johnny would be. It had taken awhile but Johnny returned to his old self after Drew's death, he figured Gage would return to normal—well Gage's version of normal.

"Yeah, I'll be okay. Of course I'll be okay," Johnny tried to convince himself. Wondering what his future held if any. Would they find him out? See he was a phony and a fool?

"Well looks like you're almost done with that IV. I'll get Dixie and then we can head home," Roy turned.

"Uh, Roy," Johnny felt like he was yelling.

"Yeah, partner," Roy pivoted.

"Thanks for everything I mean it," Johnny's voice wavered.

"Hey no problem. I'll be right back, 'kay." Roy turned away, wondering what he would tell Joanne when he got home.

"Yeah, not going anywhere."_ Ever, or falling in love ever again._


	2. Chapter 2

Redemption2

_**"There's the King's Messenger. He's in prison now, being punished: and the trial doesn't even begin till next Wednesday: and of course the crime comes last of all." **_

_**"Suppose he never commits the crime?" said Alice. **_

_**"That would be better, wouldn't it?"**_

_**- Lewis Carroll**_

Johnny wasn't sure how he made it to the station. He felt Roy guiding him to the squad and putting him in the cab. His throat still hurt and so did his lungs, his eyes burned and his heart was broken. DeSoto should have just left him at Rampart for him to find his way home; he was a murderer, someone who didn't even demand common courtesy. He leaned his head against the cool glass and shut his eyes against the harsh, bright sunlight.

Roy glanced over to his partner. Johnny hadn't uttered a word since Rampart released him. Gage's eyes were filled with remorse, pain, despair and something he couldn't identify. He would feel better once Johnny was home. DeSoto's guilt of seeing Victoria dead gnawed at him, making him feel somewhat responsible for his friend.

"Johnny," Roy whispered and shook his partner. "Johnny."

"Huh," Gage squinted his eyes to see they were back at the station.

"You okay?" Roy asked knowing the answer.

"Yeah, sure. Nothing a hot shower wouldn't cure," Johnny gave a half hearted smile and tried to forget his aching body. He slowly climbed out of the cab, feeling he had 100 tons on his back.

"John," Cap met him as he headed towards the locker room.

"Yeah Cap?" Johnny rubbed at his eyes and looked at his disappointed superior. Did he see right through him too?

"You gonna be okay?" Stanley looked at the hurting man.

"Sure Cap nothing but a hot shower and about ten hours of sleep wouldn't cure," Johnny stood there, waiting, too tired to make any decisions.

"Well why don't you take a shower and go from there," Cap ordered. He watched Gage slump over and drag his feet to the locker room.

"Sure Cap," Johnny dutifully headed to the locker room, stripped, not caring where his clothes went, grabbed a towel, his toiletries and took the hottest, longest shower he could. Finding a towel he dried himself off, thankful to get the smoke and soot off of him. He quickly changed into street clothes.

Johnny found Roy had changed into street clothes as well as he walked him out to the backyard.

"You look a lot better," Roy commented but Gage appeared lost somehow. "You gonna be okay getting home?" He prayed Gage said yes.

"Of course, this is me you're talking about," Johnny grinned. "I hope you don't get stuck with Bellingham." As he climbed into his Rover and settled in, his jaws clenched and his hands grasped tightly onto the steering wheel.

"Johnny, are your sure you're okay? I can drive you home," Roy forced himself to reach out to his friend. He leaned against the Rover and waited.

"No, I'm fine, remember nothing personal. I'm good," Johnny slammed the door of his Rover leaving Roy alone in the backyard. Gage drove off, his stereo blasting and all his windows open, forcing him to stay awake, when all he wanted to do was crawl into a little ball.

Cap came up to DeSoto, whose arms were crossed in front of his chest and biting on his lower lip.

"John's going to be okay," Even as he said the words Stanley had a bad gut feeling about his junior paramedic.

"Sure, sure, Johnny's going to be just fine," Roy tried to convince himself, "just fine."

#####

Johnny woke up, his stomach screaming in pain; he could feel the bile rise up to his throat. Barely able to make it to the bathroom, he retched until he had nothing left. He put his cheek on the toilet seat and closed his eyes; Victoria's remains were still burned in his brain.

When he woke up, Gage found himself on the bathroom floor, his neck at a weird angle. Sitting up he tried to work out the kinks, stripped and took a long hot shower. Changing into what he wore the previous day his stomach growled in protest and he went searching for food. Finding none he was forced to go to the supermarket. Anyone who looked at him made him nervous; they all knew he was a phony and failure.

Returning home from shopping, he ate hastily and took out a bottle of beer. He had purchased a twelve pack and was going to get blasted. The phone rang interrupting his drinking. He let it ring; there was no one he wanted to talk to.

Roy hung up the phone, noting it was the third time he called. He would have dropped by Gage's apartment to see if he was okay, but he felt guilty, besides he had tons of stuff to do at home.

#######

Johnny had hoped the alcohol would do the trick but again he woke up on the floor of his bathroom, curled into a tight little ball as his head pounded.

"NO!" He put his hands over his ears hoping to make the pain stop. Exhausted he went back to sleep on the hard tile floor of the bathroom.

#######

Roy tried the phone again and still got no answer. Any other time might find him rushing to Gage's apartment to see if anything was wrong. But he had made it clear, to his dismay, to keep things professional once his partner had hooked up with Victoria.

"Roy honey," Joanne looked at her concerned husband. "Why don't you ask Johnny to dinner? I mean maybe he'd like some company." She had liked Johnny, who always seemed to either be the life of the party or in a deep dark funk.

DeSoto hung up the phone.

"Still no answer. Maybe he went hiking," Roy guessed thinking Gage always seemed to get out of whatever bothered him by getting out of the city.

Joanne's green eyes burned into his and she held both of his hands.

"Would he be okay to do that Roy? I mean the way you described Johnny he sounded like he was a ghost of himself," Joanne was now concerned, by her husband's lack of worry.

"It's Johnny, Joanne," Roy tried to reason with his worried wife. "You know how he is. It took awhile but he was okay after Drew died. He'll be okay. Let me go get the kids to wash up for dinner." He left leaving his wife speechless.

#######

The whining of the alarm woke John up from the bathroom floor. His one shift off didn't seem to matter. He stretched, stripped and took a hot shower. He decided to wear his uniform; he had no desire for locker room chatter and the less he associated with his shift mates the better. Johnny would have to find some way to redeem himself for the senseless act he had caused.


	3. Chapter 3

R4

_**"A slow sort of country!" said the Queen. "Now, here you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that."  
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Johnny knew it was useless to try to sleep. He was using the toilet as a support; he thought he might as well have a pillow and blanket in there. He took a long hot shower and changed into his uniform; he made coffee and then heard the paper boy. Going out to his stoop he picked up the paper, and immediately went to the obituary page. He saw it then, Victoria's announcement. The service was today. Knowing he had to go, he immediately called headquarters to let them know he wouldn't be coming in. He owed Victoria that much.

#######

Roy was concerned; Johnny had yet to show up for his shift, and he hadn't answered his phone. In the dayroom the guys were talking but he really didn't hear them. Then he saw Craig Brice and stomach got tied in knots. He got up from his seat and headed towards Cap's office to find him on the phone.

Cupping his hand over the receiver, Hank looked at his worried senior paramedic.

"Brice here yet?" Stanley knew of the punctuality of the know it all paramedic.

Roy nodded.

"Yes thanks, you can put the squad back in service. Good bye," Hank hung up the phone and stood up.

"Uh, Cap what about Johnny?" Roy hoped his friend was okay.

"Victoria's funeral is today Roy. I saw the announcement in the paper a few days ago," Hank made his way out to the bay, followed by DeSoto.

"So that's where he's at?" Roy questioned his superior.

"Yes Roy that's where he is," Stanley said quietly, wondering why Roy didn't know about it. "Johnny will be back next shift."

"Sure, of course," Roy tried to reassure himself.

#######

Johnny pulled up to the church where the funeral was being held. He felt it was odd that Victoria would be buried here. He knew she was from somewhere up north and that was about it. Getting out of his car, he adjusted his tie and headed into the quiet sanctuary.

There were about twenty people in the small chapel; he could see a priest and then an older couple in the first pew. Other people sat closer but he sat in the back. He had signed the guest book, but found he couldn't look at the small altar.

The service began and images and thoughts of Victoria began swirling in his head. Her smile, her laughter and her perfume filled the air around him. Looking up he saw people filing out to the gravesite. Following a few steps behind he stood in back of the chairs set up for Victoria's family, out in the fresh air, Gage found it hard to breathe. If he hadn't opened his big mouth all these people wouldn't be here. They were here for his mistake, couldn't anyone see it?

Looking at the ground, he held himself together, then saw the service was over. Carefully making his way over to Victoria's parents, words failed him. He kept glancing at Victoria's coffin laid in the ground. His sweet Victoria was gone because of him.

"I'm so sorry," Johnny begged. "I just so sorry I wish I could have done more," his hands were shaking now. He had to tell them he had killed her, but the words wouldn't come. "I should have done more," he begged for forgiveness, his eyes misting.

"I'm sorry," the older man asked. "Were you a friend of Victoria's or one of the firemen who found her?" The man asked kindly with a bit of curiosity.

Johnny looked into the man's heart broken eyes and nodded, and then he turned and left. His chest felt constricted he couldn't breath and needed to leave this place, the final resting place of his mistake and ego.

On his way home Johnny stopped by a liquor store. He picked up two fifths of whiskey along with a twelve pack of beer. Seeing Victoria's coffin go into the grave had made his stomach twist and turn. He threw off his jacket and tie, and then went to the kitchen. Setting his purchases on the floor, he opened the first bottle of whiskey and poured his glass full. He was not much of drinker, but he needed the bite of the alcohol to deaden his feelings and maybe get to sleep.

#######

It was 8 p.m. at the station and Roy tried Johnny's number again. He was alone in the dorm, wondering why his partner hadn't said anything. After the 20th ring, Roy put the handset down and looked at his partner's bunk. Truth be told, they hadn't had a personal conversation since Victoria came into Gage's life. He was the one who insisted they keep it professional and Gage had, not once mentioning his private life.

#######

Johnny's left arm hung off the couch; he had his right foot on the couch and the other on the floor. Then she came.

"_You killed me!" Victoria screeched, her body covered in blisters from the heat. _

"_YOU KILLED ME!" she screamed._

"_YOU KILLED ME!" Her voice filled his living room._

__Opening his eyes to slits he could see her, her blistered and red arms pointed at him, her wailing and moaned made him sick. Tripping over his own feet, he barely made it to the bathroom in time. He retched until he couldn't. His head pounded and his body ached. Putting his head on the lip of the toilet he knew what he had to do.

#######

Roy again tried Johnny's place hoping to invite him over and maybe patch things up. Again all he got was an unanswered phone.

#######

The sun was just rising as he pulled into the orphanage's parking lot. It still needed a lot of work, but he had brought his tools, lumber and a few other assorted hardware. Finding his way back to the kitchen he found Pastor Mike and his wife Caroline.

"Good morning," Johnny smiled and looked at the happy couple. "I don't know if you remember me, but I was here awhile back."

"Of course we remember you; Daisy always brings the best to help. Please come in have some coffee and breakfast before we get to work," Caroline welcomed him in.

#######

It had been a several weeks since the funeral and Roy had yet to get anything personal out of his partner. Gage had been polite and quiet to the point of distraction. Changing for another shift, Roy was bound and determined to get his partner to talk.

A busy morning prevented Roy from trying to talk to his partner, but as they sat down to lunch he was bound and determined to get more than a yes or no answer from Johnny.

Marco set down lunch and looked at Gage.

"Oh Daisy wanted me to say thank you for all the work you've done at orphanage," Marco made sure Gage got an extra helping of food. "She was just surprised you came back. I mean not that she doesn't appreciate it, but…"

Talking stopped at the table and everyone looked at Gage.

"Wait a minute," Chet was indignant, "You're actually helping her again? What's with you Gage? Trying to steal Marco's girl?"

Johnny was turning red; no one was supposed to know about it, and he stood up quickly knocking his chair down, no longer hungry.

"Now wait a minute," Gage was getting upset. "No one was….it's nothing Marco, okay? So I did a little work around the place. NO big deal."

"No big deal? He puts in a swing set, a slide and a jungle gym and it's no big deal. I can never compete with that!" Marco banged lunch down realizing now what he thought Johnny was trying to do.

"Look Marco I'm not trying to steal Daisy. She's all yours; I was just helping all right? Can't a guy…" Johnny felt everyone staring at him, lunch assaulted his nose and he exited the dayroom hoping he could make it across the bay fast enough.

"What," Roy couldn't believe what he was hearing either. "That's what Johnny's been doing on his days off?"

Stanley looked at DeSoto, knowing something had gone terribly wrong if his partner didn't even know what Gage had been up to.

Roy found Gage tightly gripping the sides of the sink, he was covered in sweat and his breath was shallow. Johnny's eyes seemed vacant as they stared into the mirror.

"Johnny," Roy whispered almost afraid of spooking his partner. "Johnny," DeSoto carefully stood in front of the shaken man. "Are you all right?"

Johnny nodded finally realizing it was Roy standing next to him.

"Yeah I'm fine," Johnny gave a crooked grin. "I'm fine."

Tones sounded ending their conversation.

By the time the paramedic team had returned to the station it was well after nine p.m. Roy could hear Johnny's stomach growling as was his. He was starving.

"Hey Johnny, hungry?" Roy smiled trying to pull more out of his partner.

"I just want to shower," Gage looked at his ruined shirt; he knew he shouldn't let it bother him. The kid aspirated and he had saved his life. The thought of food still turned his stomach, he would take a nice hot shower and climb into his bed, hoping exhaustion would free him of nightmares.

Both men shut their respective squad doors, Roy headed towards the dayroom, John to the dorms and shower.

Roy was almost finished with his sandwich when Cap approached him.

"Hey where's John?" Stanley knew the paramedic could eat anything at anytime of day.

"Um, well he said he was going to take a shower. Some kid threw up on him," Roy stood up.

"Has he eaten anything at all today?" Stanley knew the paramedics had skipped lunch and dinner but sometimes got something to eat.

"Um, no I did there was some cookies by the base station, Johnny drank coffee and…"Roy was at a loss how could he have missed.

"Well get the twit in here and get him something to eat," Hank ordered.

Roy went to the locker room to find it empty. He headed to the dorm and then found his partner, asleep in his bed or appearing to be asleep. Gage had placed his turnouts along with his by their respective beds and his left arm was thrown over his face. He didn't have the heart to wake him up, but something wasn't right, something he couldn't put his finger on.


	4. Chapter 4

R5

_**But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.**_

_**Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."**_

_**How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.**_

_**You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."**_

Johnny waited until roll call was done and quickly went about his job, first taking out the drug box for inventory as Roy did the radio check. Roy kept glancing at his quiet partner.

Roy finished the radio check and walked over to Gage. He could see Gage meticulously and painstakingly going over the box, his face serious and foreboding.

"So how you doing?" Roy knelt down to Gage. He could see the dark circles under his partner's eyes and the vacant look in them. His partner was lost and he felt he had to help him in some small way.

Johnny looked up from the drug box and then back down. He frowned, wondering why his partner even cared. As long as he did his job, that was all that mattered now, that and trying to atone for Victoria and Bruno.

"I asked you a question," Roy's voice went up and he put his hands on the open drug box.

Gage glared at him then answered. "I'm doing fine." He slammed the drug box shut. "We need supplies." He then stood up. "Why don't you tell Cap we're going to Rampart?" He headed toward the cab of the squad.

"Hey Cap," Roy peeked into the office. "We're going to Rampart for supplies."

"Okay," Cap looked up from his paperwork, concern and worry on his face.

Roy nodded and then headed towards the squad. The drive to the hospital was quiet as Gage continued to look out the window and not at him.

"Hey Johnny," Roy asked quietly. "Want to come over to dinner tomorrow night?"

Gage looked at him, and then frowned. "Roy you don't have to do this." He looked down at his hands.

"Do what?" Roy was confused. "Do what Johnny? I know you're hurting; sometimes company is good."

Johnny sighed. "Look Roy we had this discussion remember—business only. You don't want to get mixed up in my 'uproarious' life. I don't mind, okay. So will you just drop it?"

Roy remained silent, his guilt trying to drown out the feeling he had in his gut for his partner, something in those brown eyes of his spoke volumes of some indescribable hell.

"Okay, but you can talk to the Cap," Roy smiled thinking Gage needed someone to talk to.

Johnny rolled his eyes, knowing his partner just didn't get it; he took two precious human lives as much as if he started the fire himself. He didn't deserve to talk to anyone.

"Whatever," John said to appease his partner; he was still a worthless piece of shit in his mind.

Roy parked the squad at the hospital. He looked at his pensive friend.

"Coming in?" DeSoto asked hopefully, knowing Dixie could sometimes get through his friend.

"No, not really, unless you need me to," Johnny blushed still ashamed at his passing out after seeing Victoria and Bruno. Bruno, hell he still didn't know the guys freakin' name.

"Hey c'mon in," Roy motioned, forcing Johnny to follow him in.

The ER was busy as ever. Johnny kept his head down, not wanting to look anybody in the eye. He followed Roy to the base station, found a small box and started getting supplies.

"Hey Dix," Roy smiled at the head nurse and got a cup of coffee. Gage was all business.

"Don't I get a hello," Dixie crossed her arms and waited.

"Hello," Johnny said weakly and went back to getting supplies.

"What's with your partner?" Dixie looked at Roy as he drank his coffee.

Roy shrugged; his hope of Dixie getting through to his partner seemed hopeless for the moment.

"There," Johnny thrust the receipt at the nurse, barely looking into the head nurse's eyes.

"Johnny," Dixie's blue eyes bored into his, taunting him of being a murderer.

"Yeah," Johnny answered in a daze.

"Are you okay?" Dixie was concerned about her favorite paramedic.

"Yeah, yeah I'm good. Could you sign please; we got to get back to work," Gage put the sheet down.

Sighing, Dixie signed it, tore her copy and gave Gage the original.

"Thanks," Johnny waved and headed out of the hospital, feeling the piercing stares of everyone in the hospital. Everyone knew his shame.

"Roy, is Johnny okay?" Dixie had noticed the distance Gage had placed between them when he was came in.

Roy watched his retreating partner and bit his lower lip. "Sure, he'll be okay, just maybe take him a little bit longer then Drew."

"All right Roy I'm counting on you to look after him," Dixie squeezed his hand.

"I will Dixie, I will," Roy squeezed back. _If he'll let me._

Roy found his partner staring off into space as he climbed into the cab.

"Hungry?" Roy looked at Gage. Again, his partner seemed a million miles away.

"Huh?" Johnny looked distracted.

"Hungry? Marco's cooking." Roy started the squad and pulled away from the hospital.

Gage nodded and then stared out of his window for the drive back to the station; they never made it back as they were toned out.

They finally returned to the station around ten that night. Johnny's stomach growled in protest, but he didn't want a repeat of what happened at home. Both men slid out of the squad tiredly. Roy headed towards the kitchen and Johnny headed towards the dorm. Eating had no appeal for him at the moment, just sleep, maybe uninterrupted sleep he was praying.

"Hey Johnny," Roy whispered and then stopped his partner. "Where you headed?"

"To bed. I'm beat," Johnny tried again to head towards the dorm.

"Wait a minute; did you have anything to eat today?" Roy wasn't sure Johnny had even had a snack.

"Yeah, I did," Johnny lied. "I got some breakfast on the way here. Night."

"Wait a minute," Roy tried to stop Gage but he pulled away. 

"What?" Johnny's voice was tinged with anger.

"It's just, you never seem to turn down an opportunity to eat is all," Roy grinned. "I'm sure it's good whatever it is. Do you want to come over for breakfast tomorrow?"

Gage looked at his partner. Roy was trying to be nice and wouldn't let up; the sooner he agreed to breakfast the sooner DeSoto would leave him alone.

"Sure Roy, night," Johnny headed towards the dorms, his shoulders slumped and his feet scuffed on the bay floor.

Roy sighed. At least he was getting Johnny over to the house; maybe with some time alone with him he could get his friend to open up.

#######

"Great breakfast as usual, Joanne," Johnny stood up and helped clear the table. "I'll take that," Gage took everyone's plate, utensils and cups. He made his way to the kitchen, rinsed the dishes and loaded up the dishwasher. Hearing the DeSoto's whisper meant it was Roy's ploy to get him to talk. Johnny's jaw clenched, talking would be useless, knowing he would be found out and asked to resign.

"Well guys, thanks again for breakfast, but I got to go," Johnny made his way to the front door, but not before the kids approached him.

"But Uncle Johnny," Jessica smiled sweetly at him, "Aren't you going to stay and help daddy?"

"No, princess. I got things I got to do," Johnny knelt down and kissed the little girl on the forehead. He wasn't about to destroy an innocent little child by being even near him.

"Let me walk you out," Roy quickly was by his side.

"Sure," Johnny grinned and made it out to his Rover.

"Hey Johnny, um thanks for coming to breakfast," DeSoto hoped to convince him to come to dinner. "How about dinner tomorrow night? Joanne's making her pork loin you like so much."

Johnny sighed; one time was more than enough. "Look Roy, I got things I got to, and thanks for breakfast, see you next shift."

"Sure," Roy waved as Johnny drove away, wondering what was going on in his partner's head.

#######

Johnny again woke up on the bathroom floor, his dinner of pizza and beer just a distant memory. Closing his eyes, he could see Victoria pointing her long red fingernails at him, accusing him of killing her and Bruno, of lighting the fire and filling her lungs with the heated air and smoke. Seeing their bodies once more on the warehouse floor, he found himself dry heaving before trying to stand up and take a shower.

_**"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said in a rather scornful tone," it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less." **_

_**"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many things." **_

_**"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master - that's all."**_

Johnny was mad; no one was supposed to know about the orphanage, but he had promised to help and he would. He'd had to find another way to redeem himself; he knew exactly what he would do.

#######

It was an easy run and Johnny needed coffee. He needed coffee now, sleep and food seemed elusive. He found out if he ate at least breakfast he could go for the night without heaving his guts out. Sure there would be the nightmares, but at least he wasn't hugging the toilet.

Roy also got off his back. No more intrusive questions or looks. At the base station, Gage was waiting for his partner and Dixie was coming on shift.

"Hello Johnny," Dixie smiled as she pulled out a chart. "How are you today?" She sat back down on her stool and leaned over the chart, making notations and looked at the tired paramedic.

"I'm good. What about you?" Johnny answered nicely wondering why the nurse was so interested in him.

"Where's your partner?" Dixie pointed her pen at him and smiled.

"I'm right here," Roy glanced at his partner and the head nurse. "What's up?"

"Oh, did you know your partner here volunteered to coordinate the volunteers for the disaster drill next month?" McCall was practically beaming as she went through her paperwork.

"Really? Seriously?" Roy was having a hard time with that. "Isn't it on our day off?" DeSoto stuck his hands in his pockets waiting to hear Gage's explanation for his generosity.

"Yeah it's on our day off," John was getting offended. "What's it to you?" Gage set his coffee cup down. Couldn't he do anything without the whole world finding out?

"Nothing, it's a lot of work and…" Roy had heard other paramedics work it and knew it wasn't an easy feat.

"Yes usually we draw straws for it," Dixie eyed Johnny. "But he's going to coordinate all 600 volunteers."

DeSoto's mouth dropped open. He knew his partner had been doing volunteer work on his days off but this was something different and whistled.

"Wow Johnny that's incredible, 600 huh?" Roy was impressed as he took a second look at his partner.

"I'll be in the squad," Johnny walked away in a huff. How did they know? How did they find out? Thoughts were swirling in his head; why did everyone have to know?

Roy watched his partner's retreating back and wondered what the hell had happened.

"Roy, want to tell me what that was all about?" Dixie wasn't quite sure what she had witnessed. Usually Johnny was more than happy to tell her about his plans.

"I dunno Dix. I just don't know. See you later," Roy waved goodbye and headed towards the squad.

Johnny was pouting in the squad, couldn't people just mind their own business? So he was helping with the disaster drill and then at the orphanage, he needed to do something away from everyone. Somewhere with no one he knew; he would find some place. Some isolated corner of the world no one cared about.

#######

The disaster drill was over and it was a success.

"Good job Johnny," Brackett watched as Gage cleared up his area. "How'd the debrief go?"

"I thought that was your job Doc," Johnny grinned, thankful he didn't have that job.

"No, I mean your debrief? I think what you did was amazing. Want to do it next year?" Brackett looked at paramedic. He had noted how stressed the paramedic had been but chocked it up to wrangling 600 volunteers.

"Sure, as long as it's on my day off," Johnny finished cleaning up. "Got to go. See ya at the hospital." Gage waved, exhausted and hungry; he hadn't eaten any lunch, but managed to snag a few donuts and stale coffee.

#######

Reporting to his next shift, Johnny found out the perfect place to volunteer. There was an Indian Reservation clinic in the desert. He had called and had an appointment to see the Doctor in charge. No one would find about it since who cared about the Indians anymore.

Roy watched as his partner pushed his lunch around his plate. It had been a slow shift and Marco had made enchiladas, rice and beans. Most everyone's plate was clean, except Gage's plate which was usually spotless but not today.

Johnny was telling some story about a rescue and the guys laughed as they ate. The only thing at Gage's place setting was his coffee cup, which had been refilled for the third time. He had drunk a quarter of his usual glass of milk and his plate was mess.

Gage looked as his partner; Roy had been spying on him ever since shift started. Even asking if he had breakfast. Knowing eating was useless, he started cleaning up, taking his plate and then the empty pans to clean. No one said anything since no one liked washing dishes.

Roy's chair scraped the floor as he got up then he picked up his plate and utensils, noting Johnny kept his coffee cup near. Tones sounded ending the talk he wanted to have with his partner.

#######

It was well after 8 pm before the squad returned back to the station. Roy was hungry but he could hear Johnny's stomach growling, which his partner refused to acknowledge.

"Geez Johnny, you got a bear in there?" Roy grinned as he backed the squad in.

Gage said nothing and got out of the squad heading for the dorm. Roy sat a few seconds in the squad and got out, he headed towards the dorm to find his partner getting ready for bed.

"Kinda early isn't it?" Roy again approached his silent partner. They had lost a heart attack patient but Gage had yet to say anything.

Johnny glared at Roy has he got his bunkers ready for the night.

"Hey once you're done want to raid the refrigerator? I don't know about you but I'm starved." Roy sat down on his bed. Again he got nothing from his partner. Sighing, he decided he had to do something.

"Johnny we have to talk." Roy watched as Gage stripped down to sleep.

"Nothing to talk about." Johnny climbed into bed and took out a book on herbal medicine. The doctor

reminded him of his medicine man roots and he found the topic enlightening.

"Yes there is Johnny. What...it's been a couple of months since Victoria's death." Roy leaned closer hoping to let Gage knew he was there if he needed to talk about it.

Gage looked at his watch ,"Three months, five days, twenty-two minutes and thirty-two seconds," and then went back to his book.

Roy looked at his partner. Something was wrong. Gage's behavior was off but he couldn't put his finger on it.

"Johnny are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" Roy pushed harder. "You know you can always go to the dept. shrink."

"Shrink?" Johnny was incensed as he put his book down. "Shrink! I'm not crazy Roy and I certainly don't want the shrink…I don't need a freakin shrink."

"Johnny it's not that," Roy backtracked, but it was, how many shifts had he heard Gage get out of bed.

"Just leave me alone Roy. Just leave me alone," Johnny returned to his reading.

#######

"You're a big help Johnny," Dr. Henry looked at his new assistant. "Too bad I don't have more like you and more drugs." Henry was glad for Gage's help, he seemed attuned to his patients and demands. Johnny came in with a good attitude too; hard work didn't scare him.

"Well Doc maybe I can help. I have some connections, you know. Maybe get a grant or two." Johnny was all ready seeing the possibilities for the small Indian clinic.

"No, really you've done more than enough. Besides the government is sending more supplies and the paperwork is getting easier." Henry looked at the young man. "Besides don't you have better things to do? Aren't you here on all your days off?"

"I'm fine Doc really. Besides I have time to do my laundry and stuff like that," Johnny put the BP cuff away and yawned.

"Are you sure I can't convince you to have dinner with us at least? You been working here over a month and you've all ready volunteered for the upcoming Pow Wow." Henry shook his head, knowing how daunting the even was. It was also draining and he needed all the medical help he could get.

"I'm fine, Doc. Besides I work tomorrow and have that long drive back. But thanks for the invite. I'll take a rain check okay," Johnny waved as he headed out of the clinic. The wind whipped across the desert and he climbed into his Rover. His stomach growled in protest but it was one way to abate the nightmares. Besides he had no desire to pull over on the deserted road and puke his guts out.

#######

Coming into shift, Johnny felt great, really great. He had slept like a baby and hadn't had a single nightmare. Yes it was finally over. Maybe he could get on with is life, he had atoned enough for Victoria's and Marc's death, finally finding the other victims name in the paper.

After roll call and assignments, Johnny was checking the drug box when Chet came out clutching the paper.

"Hey Roy did you know you're working with a real live hero," Chet said with a mischievous grin. 

"Huh," Chet's remark had got him off guard.

"Yeah a genuine hero who saved an Indian Chief's life. Right here in black and white," Chet pointed out the newspaper article. Gage stood up barely containing the rage which came out. Every thing he did was thwarted; nothing seemed to work to keep his secrets.

Johnny yanked the newspaper from Chet's hand, quickly read it and thrust it back at Chet. The paper was now in a crumpled up mess and Chet's mustache twitched in anger.

"How did they know?" Johnny muttered, "How do they fricken know about everything? Shit, it's not supposed to be this way." Gage ran his hand through his hair, pushed Chet out of the way and headed towards the yard, forgetting all about the drug box.

Roy and Chet stood there in shock, not sure of what had actually happened. Captain Stanley broke the silence.

"What the hell was that all about?" Hank shook his head. He had seen John Gage in many moods but never like this.

"I'll….I'll go talk to him," Roy made a hasty exit and headed out to the yard.

Johnny was pacing the yard, each step with a purpose, his hands up in exasperation.

_Shit. Shit. Shit.___"No one is supposed to know," Johnny muttered under his breath. "No one, damn it, no one." Because if they did they would find out. He was pacing the yard again with someone stopped in front of him.

"Johnny," Roy asked quietly, afraid to spook his partner. He approached him just like they were taught in training.

Gage refused to look at Roy, his partner who had to know, he had to have known. He stepped around him only to find DeSoto blocking his way.

"Johnny!" Desoto thought he got his partner's attention. "Just what the hell was that about?" Roy pointed back into the station, now seeing the whole crew was in the bay, watching and waiting.

Johnny's face was grim; he gritted his teeth and then looked in the pitying blue eyes of his partner.

"Nothin's wrong except the whole god damned world finding about my business," Johnny hissed. "I can't seem to get a break and I have to find out who the fink is, is all."

Roy looked at his partner and hoped to call him friend, but truth be told, Gage was scaring the shit out of him. Sure, his partner had his bouts of paranoia but this was bringing it to new heights.

"Um, Johnny," Roy bit his lip, "you know you're scaring me a bit here." DeSoto waited for the blowup, the rant, something, but nothing happened.

Tones went off making him jump.

Then Gage was his normal quiet self, acting like the last five minutes hadn't happened.

Runs peppered the rest of the shift, and Gage was back to his same, quiet, reclusive self. Roy was constantly checking Gage the rest of the shift; he was constantly biting his lower lip or licking his lips.

Johnny took a quick gaze at his partner and knew he was worried. He had tried to maintain his grip, tried to make a go of it, but everything he did turned out wrong and someone was blowing it for him.


	5. Chapter 5

R5A

"_**I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."  
>— Lewis Carroll (Alice in Wonderland)<strong>_

Johnny was still upset over everyone finding out his business, but he remained silent, for now. He would just ask around to see who the fink was and tell them to shut the hell up.

Roy sized up his partner for the shift. Gage was still quiet as a mouse and it niggled in the back of his brain he was missing something very important. Moody had been the word of the day ever since Victoria had died. His partner's moods swung wide from up to totally down, maybe on a more massive scale then usual, but still normal for John Gage. Or so he thought for the time being.

#######

For the next month, Johnny asked discreetly around to find out who ratted on him, but he came up empty handed. Still he felt there was someone he missed talking to who was spreading the word about him. He preferred to do his penance in secret, although he thought everyone knew of his shame. How could they not know? They were there when he found Victoria couldn't they see it on his face? In his whole being?

At the clinic he was helping on a patient when the woman looked at him. She was old, fragile and worn out. Life had taken its toll on her, just like many old men and women he had seen growing up. People slumped over by the hurts, cares and pain of the world.

"You are troubled?" the old woman looked at him. Her eyes spoke of sorrow and pain along with fear and wisdom.

"Me? Troubled?" Johnny vigorously shook his head. "No, I'm not. I'm fine."

"You are troubled; I see it in your eyes and your heart," she pointed her arthritic hands to her heart. "You must seek help from Mother Earth and Father Sun."

Again, Johnny looked at her strangely. He had all but abandoned his Indian heritage since moving to LA and this woman was telling him what to do.

"How did you find out about me?" Johnny leaned closer until he was at her ear, whispering.

"Find out? I am an old woman. I see many things and you are troubled," she stated flatly. "You will never find peace here."

Johnny shrugged it off. The old woman didn't have a clue to what she was talking about.

#######

The incessant phone ringing slowly pierced Gage's alcohol addled brain. He had gotten drunk after the little incident at the orphanage.

"Hello," he mumbled. His tongue refused to work and his head was pounding.

"Gage, hell is that you?" A fairly disjointed voice filled his brain forcing him to comprehend the voice and question.

"Yeah, it's me." Johnny sat up, his head pounding. The sun was barely coming up and what little shown through the curtains, made his eyes hurt and head pound harder.

"Well maybe it's not a good time, you know. I thought I could count on you man," the man's voice was disappointed.

"Mackie? Is that you?" Johnny was finally able to place the voice. Gage looked at the clock; it was 5 a.m.

"Hell yah, I'm looking for a replacement. My old man had a heart attack and I need to go home for a couple of days. I need someone to cover my shift today. Can you do it?" Mackie was nervous and upset.

"Um, yeah sure. I have another day off. Um, you're at 110's right. Hose jockey?" Gage asked confirming the last bit of information he remembered.

"Yeah, I'll call the Cap and let him know. Thanks man. I owe you big time. Got to go, bye." The phone went dead and Gage realized he had a one hour to get ready.

"Mackie? Mackie!" Gage heard a dial tone and rubbed his grainy eyes, regretfully getting up and heading for a hot shower.

#######

Arriving at the station with minutes to spare, Johnny felt he could eat a whole bottle of aspirin and it still wouldn't help. He barely kept his eyes open and his stomach felt like it might rebel at any moment.

"Gage is that you?" Captain James Near looked at his replacement man. He had known John Gage since he was a boot.

"Yes sir Cap, it's me," Johnny stood up straighter and tried to focus.

"You okay to work?" Near looked into the bloodshot eyes and the telltale signs of a hangover.

"Yes sir I'm fully capable of working, Cap. Just under the weather a bit," Johnny grinned, knowing full well he could work through this. He had made a promise he intended to keep.

"All right Gage, I'm trusting you and since you're the last man in you get latrines. Any problem with that?" James was testing him.

"No, Cap. No problem at all," Johnny smiled.

_Besides, he'll be closer to the head if he has to puke. _ Near reasoned.

#######

The shift was slow and Gage went to clean the latrine and thought of his previous drunken escapade.

_He was working at the orphanage since the clinic was closed for the day. Up on the roof he was replacing shingles when Marco and Daisy showed up. She was all smiles and Marco looked daggers at him._

"_Hello Johnny," Daisy called sweetly and waved to him. Her smile made him distracted and he almost slipped off the roof. He really hadn't slept well the night before but he needed to do this._

"_Hi, Marco, Daisy," he tried to go back to his work. Then the pastor and his wife showed up._

"_Daisy, Marco how nice of you to come. Young Gage has been up on the roof at the crack of dawn." He proclaimed with vigor. "He is simply amazing."_

"_Oh, really," Marco said tightly and again glared at him. If looks could kill he would have been dead, ten times over._

"_Perhaps I can convince Johnny to join us for lunch," the pastor's wife said. "Johnny! JOHNNY!"_

"_Huh," Gage looked up from his work. The four people below were distracting him from his task._

"_Come on down for lunch," she insisted and waved at him. He tried to look busy hoping she would take the hint._

"_NO, I'm good really," Gage again tried to return to his work, but couldn't refuse the woman._

_Lunch was tense affair but the pastor and wife didn't see it. Anytime a question was asked of him, Marco cut in telling them Gage didn't have anything to say. He forced himself to eat to be a good guest and quickly excused himself to go back to work._

_Finishing the roof, he headed back to his car and then was stopped by Marco._

"_I thought I told you to stay away from Daisy," Marco said, furious. He could see the anger in the man's eyes._

"_I told you Marco I'm not…I'm working okay! I haven't seen or talked to Daisy until today," Johnny tried to head to his car. But Marco stood in front of the door, baring entry to his car and his pain._

"_Well, let me make it clear," Marco poked a finger into his chest. "This is the last time you work at the orphanage or talk to Daisy, comprehend, you pendejo!"_

"_Yes Marco I understand. All too well," Johnny opened his door and contained his anger. He knew all too well what Lopez had called him. He hadn't been in LA all this time not to pick up a few slang words._

"_And another thing 'amigo', Marco growled. "I won't even talk to you at the station, only if we're on a run."_

"_Sure Marco, whatever you want," Gage slammed the door and headed for home, but first stopped at a liquor store for a 12 pack._

So he had gotten himself wasted in order to dull the pain and impending nightmare. Luckily it had been a quiet shift. There wasn't a squad at the station for fire calls filled their runs. The crew he was working with didn't have a problem not eating since they all knew he was hung-over and food had no appeal to him.

#######

Crawling into bed at 10 p.m. suited Gage just fine, he was amazed he didn't sack out sooner and didn't complain about polishing the engine and other make work.

He was fast asleep and dreamt of nothing. Then tones sounded at 2 a.m. A warehouse fire.

By the time they arrived, two other engines were there. The fire in the building glowed red, orange and blues, indicating its intensity. Even a few feet away they could feel the heat as he pulled on his SCBA gear and buckled up his turnout coat.

"Pull two and a half," Cap yelled and he buddied up with Pat Nelson, they headed into the warehouse trying to tame the beast. As they moved further into the burning structure, Gage could feel the heat and the similarity in the warehouse where he found Victoria.

Carefully using the hose as a shield, they worked their way into the structure, Gage's shirt stuck to his back and if felt like the plastic on his SCBA mask was melting into his skin. Breathing was hard and the hair on the back of his head stuck solidly to his neck as the sweat trickled down his back.

His mind registered danger and he could feel heat all around him but then he stopped and saw them, Victoria and Bruno on the floor of the structure. He heard men yelling but was transfixed to a spot on the warehouse floor. Flames came closer as other parts of the structure caught fire. But he stood staring at the space on the floor, blinking his eyes furiously to clear the image from his eyes, even taking his gloved hand and wiping ineffectually at his mask. Barrels of chemicals ignited blanketing the warehouse in an eerie haze from the flames and heat.

Something pulled on his sleeve, but his legs refused to move. Again something pulled harder and he dropped the hose and made his way back to the entrance of the warehouse. An explosion ripped through the building and propelled him a good twenty feet before he landed. He was on fire and his whole body was in pain.

Again he heard muffled voices and then gave into the welcome darkness. His back, shoulders and ribs hurt. He felt as if he were floating and he barely opened his eyes. What little light there was made him wince.

In the ambulance, Gage squinted at the harsh light.

"Victoria," Johnny mumbled. "Victoria."

Bellingham leaned forward to what his patient was saying. By the time, he got close, his victim was unconscious again.

#######

Roy looked nervously to the empty spot beside him in the locker room. Gage was never late. Going across the bay he saw the office door shut and hurried into the dayroom. He got a cup and poured himself a cup of coffee to calm him or at least keep his hands occupied.

Marco was hunched protectively over his coffee and newspaper, Chet was on the couch with Henry, and Mike leaned against the counter taking it all in. DeSoto knew his captain was in the office.

"Have a good day off Mike?" Roy struck up a conversation with the usually quiet engineer.

"Same old. Same old, Roy. And you?" Stoker looked at him eye to eye. He noticed the concern in the senior paramedic's eyes.

Roy shrugged; he had tried calling his partner but had gotten no answer. Then he saw a grim faced Hank Stanley make his way into the dayroom. Most of the men stood up to go out to the bay but he motioned them to sit down. Stanley poured himself a cup of coffee but didn't drink it.

Clearing his throat he looked at his crew, his men knew their jobs and always faced dangers.

"Um, I just got off the phone with the Chief. Gage was working over time at 110's and was caught in an explosion," Stanley stated with all the calm he could muster. He watched as the color drained from his senior paramedic's face.

Hank walked over to Roy, put his coffee cup down and placed a hand on DeSoto's shoulder.

"Cap, is he..." Roy feared the worst, knowing how strange Johnny had been acting.

"He's alive," Hank grinned, "a few bumps and bruises and a concussion. He'll be out the rest of the week and then should be back. Unfortunately you'll have a replacement and I have no idea who."

"That's all right Cap; as along as Johnny's okay that's all that matters." Roy breathed a sigh of relief and drank his coffee.

#######

Johnny opened his eyes. He could see from the shaft of light coming from the hall that he was in Rampart.

"Victoria," he called softly. "Victoria." Then he smelled her perfume, felt pressure on his chest. "Oh Victoria." She snuggled closer and he wrapped his arms around her, sleep coming gently to him. Her hair caressed his face and he knew she was back. His dear sweet Victoria was back.

#######

It had been a busy shift, but Roy was finally able to see his partner. He found Gage asleep or so he thought. He approached the bed carefully, hoping not to disturb his injured partner.

Johnny opened his eyes and grinned, Victoria was back and all was right with the world.

"Hey Johnny," Roy shifted from side to side as he stuck his hands in his pockets. "How the hell are you?" DeSoto could see the bumps and bruises and the bandage on his partner's head.

"Doing all right Roy. Doing all right," Gage sat up but not before wincing. "Just in time for dinner." Johnny rubbed his hands together.

Roy wasn't sure what he was seeing as Johnny dug into his dinner. Gage had always complained about hospital food and he had noticed his partner hadn't been eating.

"Mmhmm, real good Roy. I even get seconds and thirds if I want," Johnny continued eating as Roy looked on. He was happy to see his friend had his appetite back. Watching John eat, Roy felt comfort in that his friend had finally turned a corner. Maybe they could be friends again and he would be back to Gage's normal.

"Yeah that's great Johnny real great," Roy grinned then the HT beeped. "Well, got to go. You call me if you need anything," DeSoto pointed a finger at his friend as he quickly left the room.

Johnny watched Roy go; knowing Victoria would visit him at night. His heartache and guilt were gone and he would continue on. Life wouldn't be so bad now.


End file.
